Uncategorized | TLC Finance

April Fools Day 2026

Feb 24, 2026 | Uncategorized

OFFICIAL(?) ANNOUNCEMENT

After careful consideration, David Tupper has decided to stand for election as a States Assembly Member.

With years of experience in finance, and with his vast skillset (including obtaining his cycling proficiency, being awarded best handwriting (age 12) and winning the prestigious “Worst dressed man in Jersey” competition), David is perfectly positioned to drive the Island into a new era: an era of odd socks, compulsory nap times and obsessively good grammar.

His key priorities:

The Fog-Based Work Week: A policy declaring that if the Jersey Airport is closed due to fog, all work in St. Helier is officially cancelled, and everyone must go to the nearest pub until they can see the Minquiers again.
Roundabout Priority Reform: To solve traffic at Bel Royal, a new law stating that the driver with the most expensive 4×4 has permanent right of way, regardless of who entered the junction first.
The “Jersey, UK” Correction Fine: An automatic £50 fine for any website or person that lists “Jersey, United Kingdom” as an address option, with proceeds going toward a monument of David.
Mandatory French Confrontation: A law requiring at least one islander to stand on the North Coast once a week and shout vaguely threatening things about “our water” in the general direction of France.
The Secret Society Surcharge: A tax on any resident who claims to be part of a secret medieval order (like the Knights Templar) but cannot produce a “secret” handshake that involves a potato.
The “Treading Water” Subsidy: A grant specifically for “Middle Jersey” families (aged 30–50) that provides free inflatable armbands to help them literally “tread water” against rising costs.
The Compulsory Three-Hour Lunch Initiative: To support work-life balance and local hospitality, all employees must take a legally protected three-hour lunch between 12:00 and 15:00. At least 90 minutes must be spent discussing house prices or who you used to go to school with.
Odd Socks Solidarity Act: Every Friday is officially “Mismatch Day,” requiring all islanders to wear odd socks to work. Anyone caught matching will be publicly congratulated for their organisational skills and gently escorted home to rethink their priorities.
The St. Aubin’s Breeze Clause: If the wind exceeds “a bit nippy” at St. Aubin’s Harbour, all outdoor plans are automatically converted into indoor pub-based strategy sessions.
The Parish Passport Scheme: Residents must carry proof of which parish they’re from at all times. Minor disagreements (e.g. about parking or hedge heights) will be settled by inter-parish quiz-offs hosted annually at Howard Davis Park.
Liberation Day Practice Runs: In preparation for Liberation Day, the island will conduct monthly practice tea-and-bunting drills. Participation is mandatory; cucumber sandwiches optional but strongly encouraged.
The 4×4 Height Equalisation Levy: Any vehicle requiring a small ladder to enter will be taxed in proportion to the number of times the owner says, “It’s very practical actually.”
The Castle Moat Refilling Proposal: A feasibility study into refilling the moat at Mont Orgueil Castle purely so visiting relatives can be dramatically informed that “we live somewhere strategic.”
The Great Bean Jar Standardisation Order: To avoid future confusion, an official island decree will define exactly how many Jersey Royals constitute “a decent portion,” with annual audits conducted at Royal Square by a panel of stern but fair grandmothers.
The Early Closing Preservation Act: Shops closing at 5pm will be recognised as a proud cultural heritage practice. Any store attempting to remain open past 5:03pm must provide a written explanation to the community.
The Ferry-Based Time Redistribution Policy: If the ferry is delayed for more than 45 minutes, islanders are entitled to loudly explain how they “could’ve swum it quicker” without fear of contradiction.
The Annual Fog Naming Ceremony: All significant fog events will be officially named (e.g., “Fogbert,” “The Great Mist of March”) and commemorated with limited-edition tea towels.
Compulsory Pretend-Surfing Programme: Whenever the sea looks remotely wavy at St Ouen’s Bay, at least five islanders must don wetsuits and stand meaningfully with surfboards, even if conditions resemble a mild puddle.